Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
