my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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