Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
