haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
