she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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