I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
