cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
