She went from zero to smokin in five shots
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
