Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
