I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
