it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
