Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
