my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Send help, water and tortillas.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
