that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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