So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
