i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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