I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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