He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
