porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
