i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
