Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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