Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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