Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he puts the penis in happiness.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
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i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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