Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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