I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
