The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Never underestimate the power of titties
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