He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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