my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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