I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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