I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
