Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
