Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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