omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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