I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
