Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
