dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
