I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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