we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
