I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
