you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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