nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
