And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
