Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
