This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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