I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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