who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
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I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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