I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This toilet bowl is my home.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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