I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
