Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
