I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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