I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
