I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
