so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
