i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh god it's open bar.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
