First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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