wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
