someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
