He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
