I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
