We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
