btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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