you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
